The Gospel According to the Son by Norman Mailer

Author:Norman Mailer
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2010-06-01T22:00:00+00:00

29

I was coming to comprehend that one must enter the darkness that lives beneath every radiance of spirit. And I wished to open my apostles to such a truth. I told them of a dream that had visited me each night for seven nights; it was a dream that the Son of Man would go to Jerusalem and be denied by the High Priest and be crucified.

On hearing it, my disciples said, "No, you will live forever. And we will live with you."

Then I knew why darkness lies close to exaltation. If they loved me, it was for my power to work miracles, not because I might teach them to love others. They wished to preach like me, but only to increase their own power, not to preach with love. So I rebuked them, saying: "You savor not the things that be of God but the things that be of men." In the silence that followed these words, the dream was upon me again.

"If I am killed, I will rise again after three days," I said. But I did not know if I spoke the truth.

I looked into their eyes to see if their souls were open. For at just this moment, the miracle of faith would be present or would not. In their eyes I saw no more than a heaviness of spirit. It was the heaviness that speaks of concern for oneself. I had wanted to drive them toward faith, but now I realized that I, too, was not acting out of love for others but was looking for power to convince them. So I sighed at the intricacy of the heart. And they sighed after me, as if we all knew how close we had come to truth yet also knew how far away we were.

On another day, not long after, I wanted to be close to Peter and to James and to John. Had I not begun my ministry with them? So I chose to lead them up into a high mountain, and we were there by ourselves. A cloud followed. And I knew that a cloud like this had been overhead in the hour when Moses raised his tabernacle on Mount Sinai, and the cloud had descended to cover the altar.

In that time, the children of Israel had been in the desert for forty years. At each place where the cloud came to rest, they had pitched their tents. And they only moved when a stirring of the cloud told them to take up their journey again.

Here were we, at rest beneath another cloud, and Peter said, "Master, let us make three tabernacles: for you, for Moses, and for Elijah."

Straightaway, he built them. The cloud above us did not move, and the sky was without sun. Yet my raiment was shining. It seemed to be as brilliant as the light that must surround the souls of the just. Then I saw Elijah. He was standing beside me. Next to him was Moses.

I said to my three apostles, "What do you see?"

Peter answered, "I see nothing; he who sees God will surely die.

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